Thursday, December 13, 2007

Looking Good While Blowing Your Line: Part 1

Good Evening

As some of you, our faithful readers, are aware, blowing one's line is a very common occurence. Some Asheville boaters may claim that they have the perpetual lines of perfection, but they are tellin tall tales.

As some of you all may also know, it has been raining a good bit here in WV, and we got a few days on the Upper Gauley at high water. One of my personal favorite runs is paddling the Lower Meadow into the Gauley and finishing at Sweets. Its pretty sweet. Actually very sweet, like a lemon thats not really a lemon, but a piece of candy dressed as a lemon for halloween. Candy sure can be silly. But I digress...

I am going to get right to it. This is an instructional, how-to thingy on how to throw an entry move in your creek boat. This is especially useful when heading towards an enormous hole that you have no chance of going over, under, or around. In this type of situation you have two options: getting beat down, or getting beat down with style. Since I am the self-proclaimed king of style, I will instruct on the latter. Enjoy.

Step 1: Always look at the camera.

Notice how I am paying no attention to the rapid in front of me. That rapid does not matter. If it did matter, I would obviously be looking at it. The most important thing to remember is that rivers do not get the ladies, pictures get the ladies.

Step 2: Realize too late that you are off line.

But don't act like you care. Do not let off a flurry of strokes to correct your line. In fact, stop paddling hard at all. Remember, you're going into that hole on purpose. For the ladies.

Step 3: Hit the meat of the hole

Dodging holes is for open boaters. If all the water is going into that hole, then so should you. As you approach that hole you must smile, because you never know who may be watching from the bank. Because if an onlooker sees your fear, no more ladies.

Step 4: Get eaten by the hole

This is the magic part. This is your disappearing act. You want to disappear just long enough for people to wonder what cool move you have in store for them...

Step 5: Whammee!!!!!

Blast out of that hole into your vertical entry move. Get that bow up into the air because you want everyone to see your awesomocity. No, I didn't make that word up. If you haven't heard it, then you just aren't in the know. It comes right after awesomalicious, which is obviously synonymous with Gragtmans.

Step 6: Surf out of the hole and don't look back

You don't need to look back. You're an awesomolicious kayaker. You are always looking forward. The past is in the past, look forward to the future...your future...the future of action sports.

Check out the video...

Until I get burled again, I remain...

Dave Finney


Cooper Lambla said...


Now where's my tent?

Chris Gallaway said...

Hilarious post! Had me cracking up the whole time. Finawesome.

Chris Gallaway said...

Hilarious post! Had me cracking up the whole time. Finawesome.

kayakin2surf said...

Way to save it for the camera and awsomlicious ladies. I just wish I had found you last weekend when everyone I was supposed to meet had gone...